Most engagements that break do not break over a secret. They break over something ordinary that nobody thought to ask while there was still time to ask it politely.
What follows is the list we wish every family went through before the sweets were distributed. None of it is romantic. All of it comes up later anyway.
Money, said out loud
Ask what he earns and how steady it is. Ask what she earns and whether that is expected to continue. Ask about loans, because a housing loan or an education loan follows a person into a marriage and becomes a shared weight from the first month.
Ask who the family supports. A son sending money to his parents every month is normal and honourable in our community, but the new wife should hear the number before the wedding, not discover it in March when the amount leaves the account.
On dowry, be direct. It is illegal under the Dowry Prohibition Act and it is not something a Christian family should be arranging quietly under another name. If a list is being hinted at, that is information about the family you are joining.
Where you will actually live
"We will see" is not an answer. Find out whether the couple will live with his parents, near them, or in another city. Find out who else is in that house, and who will be in it in five years when an elder needs care.
A daughter who has worked in Bangalore for six years and is moving into a joint household in a small town is making a large change. It can go beautifully. It goes better when she was told plainly what it would look like.
Church on Sunday
Ask which church the family actually attends, not which one they were born into. Ask how often. Ask whether the couple is expected to attend together, and where.
Two believers can be equally sincere and still keep Sunday very differently. One family is at the parish Mass at six in the morning. Another is in a three-hour Pentecostal service with the band still playing at one o'clock. Neither is wrong. They are simply not the same Sunday, and somebody has to say so before the wedding.
Children, and which font they are baptised in
If the two families are from different denominations, the baptism question arrives faster than people expect. A Catholic parish will ask about it during the marriage preparation. A Pentecostal congregation baptises on profession of faith, which means years later, not weeks after birth.
Decide it between yourselves first, then take the decision to the priest or pastor. Do not let it be settled in a corridor by whoever speaks loudest on the day.
Work, and whether it continues
Ask whether she is expected to keep her job. Ask what happens after a child. Ask whether a transfer to another city would be allowed, and by whom.
Families often assume the answer is obvious and assume opposite things. The groom's mother pictures help at home. The bride pictures her promotion. Both are reasonable. Only one of them is going to be surprised.
Health, including the parts that get left out
Ask about ongoing conditions, medication, surgeries, and mental health treatment. Ask about anything hereditary in the family.
People hide this out of fear that the proposal will collapse, and hiding it is exactly what makes a marriage collapse afterwards. A family that tells you about a daughter's epilepsy before you ask has shown you something good about themselves.
If there was a first marriage
Ask what ended it and when. Ask whether the divorce is complete in civil law, and whether the church has been approached, because a Catholic parish will want to know about an annulment before it will conduct the wedding.
Second marriages are common and they are not shameful. What causes trouble is a family that lets you find out from a neighbour.
What "going abroad" really means
A groom in the Gulf may be on a visa that does not allow him to sponsor his wife for a year or more. A nurse with an offer in the UK may be leaving in four months. Ask for the dates, the visa type, and who is paying for the tickets.
Plenty of good marriages in our community begin with a year apart. The ones that suffer are the ones where nobody said the year out loud.
Check what you are told
Ask to see the things that can be shown. A salary slip, a degree certificate, the passport page with the visa stamped in it. Families feel this is rude right up until the first time somebody in their circle is deceived, after which they find it sensible.
It implies nothing about the person sitting opposite you. It means two families are agreeing on the facts before they agree on a date, which is how every other serious arrangement in life is handled.
Asking without causing offence
Put the awkward questions in the first or second meeting, while both sides can still withdraw without anybody losing face. Ask them yourself rather than through a broker. Let the young man and the young woman have twenty minutes alone, with the door open if that is what the house prefers, because some of this is theirs to settle and not yours.
And write the answers down. Six weeks later, two families will remember the same conversation differently.
For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it? Luke 14:28, King James Version
Counting the cost is not a lack of faith. It is the thing our Lord told us to do before we start building, and a marriage is the largest thing most of us will ever build.